A Naughty List of unfunny gags and cliches.
We get many Christmas action movies from “Die Hard” to “Violent Night,” as well as Santa movies from “Miracle on 34th Street” to “The Santa Clause.” So now we have “Red One,” which is an action comedy with Dwayne Johnson and Chris Evans in the leads and JK Simmons playing St. Nick again after voicing him in “Klaus.” However, like Johnson’s other action comedy “Red Notice” or Evans’ streaming hits “The Gray Man” and “Ghosted” this one is too lame and crass to remind us of their star powers.
Maybe a concept with him playing Santa’s head of security could work, especially since he reunites with his “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” director Jake Kasdan. And maybe he can work with Evans, who has proven himself to be more than Captain America or Johnny Storm with films like “Cellular,” “Gifted,” “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World,” or “Knives Out.” But if this were a Christmas action movie, then it should do more than have these two engage in arguments, wisecracks, and tough guy behaviors. And it’s not that original if a CGI polar bear gives Evans the “I’m watching you” signal.
As the film begins, Santa (remember that’s Simmons) gets kidnapped by the winter witch Gryla (Kiernan Shipka) who has a plan to teach every naughty person-child or adult-a lesson. The reason she and her men to got to him is because the hacker Jack O’Malley A.K.A The Wolf (Chris Evans) was tracking down some vital information on a specific location, which he didn’t know was related to Santa (how could anyone know that?).
Jack was one of those kids who found out that Santa doesn’t exist and that’s why he became a mean-spirited cynic taking lollipops from babies, causing trouble just to sneak inside buildings, and even suggesting that picking up his son (Wesley Kimmel) from school counts as quality time. And now that he’s interrogated by Director Zoe Harlow (Lucy Liu) of the Mythical Oversight and Restoration Authority (MORA), he finds out there is a Santa, and he has to deal with the tough guy behaviors and clichés of Santa’s head of security Callum Drift (there’s the Rock).
“Red One” likes to go into “Ant-Man” mode when Callum has a magic gauntlet that can turn Hot Wheels cars and Rock em Sock em robots into realistic giants. And no, you can’t use it on a Wonder Woman action figure. That’s more interesting than another scene when Callum has to shrink and grow himself just to fight some bad guys. And even the chemistry between these two big stars has to follow 80s buddy movie cliches, with the exception of the holiday seasons. Meaning Johnson has grow disenchanted by his lifetime job and Evans has to be a jerk from the beginning. And the spirit of Christmas is how these guys change their tunes. You bet it does.
Then, you get Krampus (Kristofer Hivju), Santa’s demon brother, whose goal is to punish kids. But we all know that. In this movie, he looks kind of like a rejected effects model for the Beast in the 2017 “Beauty and the Beast,” and there’s a game called “Krampusschlap,” which means he and his opponent have to slap each other. Of course, they do.
I’m sure this movie will be a hit because of the popularity of Johnson and Evans (and obviously I couldn’t get you streamers to avoid “Red Notice”), but this movie doesn’t amount to much in the holiday movie genre. And in contrast with “Klaus,” this Simmons Santa is just plain boring. At least the MORA director isn’t apart of the villainess’ plot. That would have been a lot more predictable.