List

The Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen.

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Ten Movies that somehow never got their reels burned.

Last year, you saw my list of my favorite movies of all time, and now, I want to show you some of my least favorites. Before I panned “Dirty Grandpa,” “Movie 43,” and made “The Happytime Murders” the worst film of the 2010s, I have seen some garbage in the past to make this list. Now, of course, there were many other bad movies, but I’d rather not waste my time on them.

10.) “Bad Boys 2”

Bad Boys II (2003) Directed by Michael Bay Shown: Martin Lawrence, Will Smith

While “Bad Boys For Life” was the best of the three films, this one was the worst. I’ve watched this movie twice, and I still have failed to know what it was about. It’s mean, crazy, and violent, and only Michael Bay could film such a noisy sequel like this.

I can listen to the soundtrack all day (I like Nelly’s “Shake Ya Tailfeather” and Mary J. Blidge’s “Didn’t Mean”), and the chase scene with a truck dropping cars on the freeway is cool, but not even Will Smith or Martin Lawrence could save the sequel from sinking. They were, however, able to improve themselves tremendously in the third movie, and that’s a blessing, considering what I saw here.

9.) “Police Academy”

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I watched the series, except for the last film, and I still have failed to see why they were comedy box office hits. The first one was empty, the second, third, and fourth with Bobcat Goldthwait were obnoxious, and all of them are just mean-spirited and boring. Yes, we’ve had some nostalgia with Michael Winslow doing the sound effects, and he’s fun, but everything else outside of him is inept.

8.) “Nothing But Trouble”

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Dan Aykroyd directed and stared as both an elder judge and a deformed grandson of his. I’ve seen parts of this 1991 bomb, and believe me, its sense of humor is repulsive and its production values are hectic. You also have some wasted talents from the likes of Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and the late John Candy.

The only good thing about this movie is Digital Underground’s hit song “Same Song,” which is more upbeat than this horror comedy will ever be. If you don’t have the stomach, then avoid this movie while you still can.

7.) “Son of the Mask”

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Without Jim Carrey, this stand alone sequel was a nightmare. He was the real reason why the first movie was a comedy hit. But this sequel, made only for toddlers, was so childish,  that the special effects were bad, the characters were degrading, and the baby jokes have worn out their welcome.

Jamie Kennedy and Alan Cumming were the stars of the movie, and they’re both wasted and awkward at the same time. How this sequel got produced or even be labeled a family film is truly amazing.

6.) “Battlefield Earth”

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I skimmed through this Sci-Fi bomb just to see how bad it really was, and it is. John Travolta and Forrest Whitaker both have to look like hairy, ugly beasts as aliens; the special effects look cheesy, and the whole filmmaking is as shabby as a rundown cabin. In fact, it’s just plain smelly.

Travolta also produced this movie. What the Hell was he thinking? I’m just glad I missed his film “Gotti.”

5.) “The Cat in the Hat”

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Before Tom Hooper horrified movie-goers with his CGI “Cats,” Mike Myers wore production values to make himself look like a giant cat. He was sweaty and smelly in that suit, as he said in a featurette. But that’s not the only thing wrong with this live-action film version of the Dr. Seuss tale. It contains nothing more than childish antics, and some adult content for a PG rating. In fact, before his car got the same “S.L.OW.,” it was going to be “S.H.I.T.” But they’re nothing compared to my least favorite element about the movie.

The worst part was having an antagonist-a slob posing as a gentleman, and that slob would happen to be portrayed by Alec Baldwin. His performance is so immature and wasted, that I declare this movie the worst choice of his movie career. I can’t say the worst thing he has done, because he’s had some issues of his own on the side, but it’s still really bad.

4.) “Tomcats”

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Have you ever smelled anything so sweaty, and have you ever seen anything so sexist in your life? I have and that would happen to be “Tomcats,” which I’ve only seen once, but it still reminds me about how cheap and ugly this raunchy comedy is.

Jerry O’Connell cries like a baby in one scene, Shannon Elizabeth is only good for her beauty, Jake Busey is lousy, and Bill Maher makes a weak antagonist. Matter of fact, he doesn’t do anything. And you would not believe how offensive its use of genitals, viagra, and sperm donations are presented here.

3.) “North”

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This Rob Reiner bomb was noteworthy for being the late Siskel & Ebert’s choice as the worst movie of 1994 for all the negative and offensive stereotypes, cruel writing, and degrading and stupid characters. You have Elijah Wood as a kid wanting new parents, Bruce Willis as his guardian angel, Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfus as his parents, Dan Aykroyd and Reba McEntire as rich Texans, Jon Lovitz as a sleazy lawyer, and many more wasted talents.

The thing I really loathe about this comedy is the fact that it uses the main kid’s mission of divorcing his parents to convince kids to hold their parents at gunpoint, and boss them around. This is a bad fantasy, I’ve once read a comment on an old “Siskel & Ebert” website, that even at a young age, he/she thought it was ridiculous.

This ain’t children’s entertainment.

2.) “Freddy Got Fingered”

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Tim Green has made a monstrosity so bad, it gained a cult following over the years. I, for one, am not in that cult, because the sense of humor in his 2001 loser is repulsive, sadistic, and just plain evil. He has swing a newborn baby by him umbilical cords, put on a deer carcass, tell people his father (the late Rip Torn) molested (fingered as he calls it) his little brother (Eddie Kaye Thomas), and arouse elephants and horses.

I have nothing more to say about “Freddy Got Fingered,” except that this comedy is just plain wrong.

1.) “White Chicks”

In my opinion, this “Some Like It Hot” rip-off takes place in a parallel universe, where everyone is so stupid, they think that Shawn and Marlon Wayans fooled them by wearing rubber prosthetics and suits to make them look like white, spoiled, and completely idiotic heiresses.

They say they’ll make a sequel, and at this point, I say that’s hooey. Because this has the judgement of a lima bean. Matter of fact, it has no judgment. Instead, it has awful comedy, weird faces, poor writing, bad acting, and atrocious antics. All these qualities make it the worst movie I have ever seen, period.

And there were plenty of bad movies that I have either seen or skimmed through in the past like:

“Howard the Duck” (just saw the opening and those duck breasts look so fake), “The Whole Ten Yards,” “Trading Mom,” the live-action “Scooby Doo” movies, “Christmas With the Kranks,” “Disaster Movie,” “Epic Movie,” “Date Movie,” “Monkeybone,” “Saving Silverman,” “Saw,” “Major League 2,” “The Room,” “Wild Wild West,” “Clifford,” “The Master of Disguise,” “Superman 3,” “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace,” and many other bombs.

For now, I want to focus more on the best and good movies of the past, instead of focusing on the negatives. Let’s be positive, shall we?

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