The lowest of the lows of 2021 go from bad to Looney.
It’s that time of the year again. The time for me to purge on the worst of the worst of the worst movies of the year. I’ve said FU to “F9,” dumped on wasted Netflix streamers like “Sweet Girl,” went with my heckling buddies to see M. Night Shyamalan’s “Old,” and knew Michael Myers would survive “Halloween Kills,” and yet, none of those dogs made the final cut.
But these ten losers did!!
10.) “The King’s Man”
The prequel to the popular “Kingman” movie from 2015 is just as bad as the sequel from 2017, which was also on my worst list. This one has Ralph Fiennes as the lead, but not even his charms can spice up the movie’s action or comedy. In fact, I don’t even think this prequel knows the meaning of those two genres. Its not funny, but boring. It’s a bloody mess!
9.) “The Starling”
I also have to flip the bird on this made-for-Netflix dramedy, which feels more like a made-for-Hallmark movie, and I don’t even watch Hallmark movies. Melissa McCarthy, Chris O’Dowd, and Kevin Kline are all hopelessly lost in a story about a couple (McCarthy and O’Dowd), who both lost their child, and have to deal with more troubles. The husband is not taking his pills in rehab, while the wife has to deal with a mischievous bird. How original!
8.) “Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard”
Man, I haven’t hated an R-rated comedy sequel this much in a long time. Ryan Reynolds has to, once again, be the victim of Samuel L. Jackson’s bantering. But this time around, he also has to deal with Salma Hayek exercising on what Roger Ebert called: “the fingernails on a blackboard effect.” I was begging for someone to blow their characters’ heads off.
7.) “Chaos Walking”
Remember this Daisy Ridley/Tom Holland Sci-Fi flick from last March? No? Well, good for you. The plot takes us on a planet where only men can display their thoughts, and not the women. I think I has something to do with an outbreak. I don’t know, because this was as much fun as kids annoying you while you’re on the phone.
Sia’s directorial debut was a controversial one, because of how she depicted autistic people. The only reason she casted a non-autistic actress like Maddie Ziegler in an autistic role is because she collaborated with her on her music videos. Filled with unlikable characters (played amateurishly by Kate Hudson and Leslie Odom, Jr., etc.) and bad musical numbers (with “Yo Gabba Gabba” meets Red Carpet costumes), I was deeply offended by this movie.
5.) “Dear Evan Hansen”
I have a deep affection for lonely characters wanting to be accepted into society, but this Broadway musical-turned-movie was a cynical and cowardly one about a kid with social anxiety, trapped in what started off as a misunderstanding and ends as a lie. Ben Platt is now too old to reprise his role, while others like Amy Adams and Julianne Moore are left out there to dry.
4.) “Thunder Force”
Before “The Starling,” also released on Netflix, Melissa McCarthy also made this dumb superhero comedy, which may have been a hit on the streaming site, but was still a bomb that neither she nor Octavia Spencer could disarm. McCarthy has to break the “No Touching Anything” rule in Spencer’s lab, and becomes a superhero with a few side effects. She can only survive on raw chicken, and she has to deal with these idiot scientists, who know nothing about Steve Urkel or how to deodorize a super suit. Give these people come Kryptonite.
3.) “The Woman in the Window”
As I’ve mentioned, Amy Adams and Julianne Moore were both in “Dear Evan Hansen,” but before that movie, they were in an even worse film like “The Woman in the Window.” Although this was based on a popular book, us critics would still compare this to “Rear Window,” especially when Adams’ agoraphobic character has to prove to everyone she saw Moore being stabbed to death. When it tries to be serious, it ends up being dumb, and when it tries to be scary, it ends up being boring.
Director Joe Wright has made some great movies in the past, and it’s often suggested that it’s takes very talented people to make awful movies. I’m so glad he bounced back with “Cyrano,” which opens everywhere in January.
2.) “Home Sweet Home Alone”
The sequel/reboot of one of the biggest holiday hits “Home Alone” is like a lump of coal in your stocking. This one involves a cash-strapped couple (Ellie Kemper and Rob Delaney) trying to get back their valuable doll from the kid (Archie Yates), who may or may not have stolen it, and they both end up injured and humiliated. The real question is why was this movie ever made? Why did we ever need to reboot a movie that made Macauley Culkin a child star? Because remakes and reboots apparently are crucial these days, and that’s sad. This one is ho-ho-horrible.
1.) “Space Jam: A New Legacy”
LeBron James is Bugs Bunny’s latest NBA co-star, but in this embarrassing, pigheaded, commercial-minded, and obligatory stand-alone 25-year-old sequel to the 1996 hit, he portrays himself as a jerk, who thinks he knows what he’s getting himself into. He’s proven himself to be an actor with “Trainwreck” and “Smallfoot,” but here, he lacks Michael Jordan’s charisma. He should know better than this.
The pre-release criticisms include Pepe LePew being cut out and Zendaya now providing Lola Bunny’s voice, but those things are hiccups compared to what else happens with the Looney Tunes. Porky Pig is now The Notorious P.I.G., Granny has to do “The Matrix,” and Elmer Fudd can’t even replace Mini Me.
You’ll wish That’s All Folks.
“Cosmic Sin,” “Old,” “F9: The Fast Saga,” “Sweet Girl,” “Bliss,” “Bad Trip,” “Blithe Spirit,” “My Zoe,” “Vanquish,” “Wrath of Man,” “Spiral,” “Halloween Kills,” “The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It,” “Infinite,” “Jungle Cruise,” “Escape Room: Tournament of Champions,” “Snake Eyes,” “Don’t Breathe 2,” “Vacation Friends,” “House of Gucci,” “The Tomorrow War,” “Queenpins,” “Without Remorse,” “Monday,” “French Exit,” “Reminiscence,” “Red Notice”