Me Time

A comedy bomb that’s gross and mean as expected.

In the new made-for-Netflix comedy “Me Time,” Kevin Hart gives an injured turtle mouth-to-mouth resuscitation through its nose, and pulls out a line of turtle snot. The minute he does that, I’m disgusted. It’s one thing for the Farrelly Brothers to make Woody Harrelson think he was drinking milk from a bull in “Kingpin” or have Cameron Diaz borrowing Ben Stiller’s “hair gel” in “There’s Something About Mary.” It’s quite another for me to see any kind of mucus humor.

It’s not just that I have to worry about; but also the fact that his latest co-star Mark Wahlberg, whom I’ve met and love (still do), is wasted as his party animal friend. The movie has to rely on the most typical gags and mean and obnoxious characters. Only one joke made me smile, and that was when Hart was criticizing a meme with a Lego man having genitals, but it’s so unoriginal when his little girl catches him “playing with himself.”

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Hart plays Sonny Fisher, a stay-at-home dad and head of the PTA, whose old buddy Huck (Wahlberg) invites him to come celebrate his birthday with him during Spring Break. He doesn’t want to, because of how Huck is the party animal, and Sonny wants to live a normal life.

Besides he can’t go, because he already has to go with his family to his in-laws (John Amos and Anna Maria Horsford), but his breadwinner wife Maya (Regina Hall) decides to take over and allow him to have a Me Time.

Hence the title: “Me Time.”

As his Me Time commences, he vomits at an underground BBQ, and finds out a stripper (Michelle DeShon) was the baby sitter he hired, among other activities. And then, his obnoxious friend Alan (Andrew Santino) cancels their plans for his family vacation.

That’s when he reluctantly decides to reunite with Huck for his B-day. He hosts a party in the desert called “Huckchella,” his “own Burning Man.”

However, Huck owes a loan shark named Stan German (Jimmy O. Yang) money, and has his assistant Dorit (Shira Gross)-like Dorito without the O-damage Huck’s finger. Sonny decides to take the hit, since his Instagram post brought the man to the party. An Asian criminal. Like we haven’t seen that before.

His wife and kids (Che Tafari and Amentii Sledge) are greeted by Armando (Luis Gerardo Mendez), the CEO of a toothbrush company, who is interested in buying the island in San Juans Islands where they’re staying at, and decides to offer Maya a job with her own firm.

Sonny overreacts to this visit, and collaborates with Huck to mess up his house, and finally, their aggressive driver Thelma (Ilia Isorelys Paulino) accidentally runs over Armando’s turtle. That’s why we get that nauseating resuscitation gag.

“Me Time” was written and directed by John Hamburg, whose credits include “Meet the Parents,” “I Love You, Man, “Along Came Polly,” and “Why Him.” I skipped “Along Came Polly” and “Why Him,” but “Meet the Parents” and “I Love You, Man” were funny movies. “Me Time” is a comedy so crass and dumb, it’s impossible for me to imagine how anyone can find any of the jokes original or how anyone can taint such fine talents as Hart and Wahlberg.

This is one of the worst comedies of the year or any year, and I still can’t get that turtle snot line out of my head. It would get a zero-star (Poison for the Mind) rating from me, if I didn’t think that Lego meme was funny. That picture can transition from place-to-place, so I can look and laugh at that anytime. Skip this comedy dead-zone for the sake of humanity.

Rating: 0.5 out of 4.

Streaming on Netflix Tomorrow

Categories: comedy

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