This movie hurts.
Ke Huy Quan has made a name for himself as a child with “The Goonies” and “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.” And he has made a name for himself as an adult and deserved that Oscar for his role in “Everything Everywhere All At Once.” He deserves the comeback.
His new film “Love Hurts,” however, that’s another story. It’s an action comedy produced by David Leitch, who helped bring action movies to new heights from “John Wick” to “The Fall Guy,” and directed by Jonathan Eusebio, the stunt coordinator for “Black Panther” and “The Fall Guy,” among others. But this movie doesn’t have any of the surprises, comedy, and style that levitated those films. It’s all fights, violence, love songs (featuring hits from Barry White and Hot Chocolate), and wisecracks the cast and crew think are a lot funnier than we do.
Like the slasher comedy “Heart Eyes,” this action comedy takes place on Valentine’s Day. Quan plays a Milwaukee realtor named Marv Gable, who has great success with his company, but he has to deal with someone vandalizing his signs. Instead of drawing penises on him, the perpetrator Rose (Ariana DeBose) draws Hitler and racial mustaches on him.
He was once a hitman, and his brother Knuckles (Daniel Wu) comes back into his life, when he sends assassins after him and Rose, who has stolen money from him. She and Marv must collaborate, which means we get a series of wisecracks, bantering, and Rose acting like a child.
For example: she kidnaps, duct tapes, and cuts off the finger of Knuckles’ accountant (Rhys Darby). And when she removes the tape off him, it pulls off his dental caps, and she punches him after he says: “I’ll be needing those back.”
Quan also gets a “Goonies” reunion with Sean Astin, who plays Marv’s boss. He’s got that Texan look and spirit, as he presents him with the “Realtor of the Year” award. Of course, instead of making him a villain, they make him an unfortunate victim of Knuckles.
There’s also a romance between Marv’s co-worker Ashley (Lio Tipton) and his assassin known as the Raven (Mustafa Shakir). She comes across the aftermath of his fight scene, and admires his poetry. Of course, this assassin has a job to do, and she even tells Marv she loves him. Maybe they should have been the leads of the film, instead the other two and they’re both fine, Oscar-winning talents in general. This movie chooses to exploit their award-winning expertise, instead of really developing something unique.
“Love Hurts” runs for 83 minutes. Minus the end credits, that’s a short film. A portion of the worst comedies of all time have basically ran that short from “The Master of Disguise” to “Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo” to “The Happytime Murders,” if you take out the 9 minutes of slow rolling credits. “The Brutalist,” which ran for over 3 hours and had an intermission, is one of the best movies I have ever seen. “Love Hurts” felt like an eternity.
DeBose was great in “West Side Story,” which she won the Oscar for, and I liked her voice work in “Wish.” But coming on the heels of “I.SS.,” “Argylle,” “Kraven the Hunter,” and now this film, she needs a lot fix things up a bit with her movie career by firing her agent. In fact, she almost reminded me of how annoying Megan Fox was in “Expend4bles.”
I’ve already delivered my respect towards Quan, and it’s always heartwarming to see his reunions with Astin, Jeff Cohen, and Harrison Ford. But this movie is no “Everything Everywhere All At Once.” In fact, it’s the complete opposite of that film in every way.
This is you the reader: “But that was a multiverse movie; this is just an action film.”
My response: “They’re both martial arts films with the same actor fighting, so the adage still applies.”
