A Farrelly comedy that shoots blanks.
“Balls Up” is like an extended penis joke. One that cums and goes. Pun intended. The product in the film is a condom that fits both the penis and testicle, and that becomes the product placement for Brazil’s World Cup Final, which goes from “The Testicle Sentinel” to “Balls Up.” And that extended penis joke has to enter the action comedy territory, where the rivals turned friends must dodge different kinds of killers-crazed soccer fans, drug cartels, murderous activists, and a hungry alligator or crocodile.
Take the De Niro out of “Midnight Run,” the weed out of “Pineapple Express,” and add the killers of “The Purge” and the stupidity and cold nature of “Snatched” and “Jackpot,” and you’d have a movie like “Balls Up.”
Mark Wahlberg and Paul Walter Hauser play the rivals turned friends, who are marketing employees trying to score the deal of a lifetime in Brazil just in time for their World Cup Final. Elijah (Hauser) develops the special condom I’ve mentioned with the name “The Testicle Sentinel,” while Brad (Wahlberg) must take most of the credit and changes the name to “Balls Up.” We see them scoring a deal with a sober businessman (Benjamin Bratt), but their boss (Molly Shannon) immediately fires them when they ruin his sobriety and their deal.
Months later, they both still have tickets for the soccer (or football) event in Brazil, and when Elijah attacks a linguica mascot and causes a major loss for the country. So, they end up in trouble with the law and the unhappy fans, and end up in more danger than Wagner Moura was in “The Secret Agent.” That film may have been nearly three hours long, but at least he didn’t wasn’t told by a drug lord (Sacha Baron Cohen) to swallow the Balls Up condom with cocaine nor did he watch the alligator or crocodile have its heart explode from the blow it ate. So, no “Cocaine Gator” for us.
“Balls Up” was directed by just Peter Farrelly of the Farrelly Brothers. You know the movies he has made with his brother, and you know they were comedies that took risks and dared to be vulgar, offensive, and stupid as possible. “Dumb and Dumber,” “Kingpin,” “There’s Something About Mary,” and “Shallow Hal” are all comical examples. But even great comedy legends have made bombs, like “The Heartbreak Kid,” some “Movie 43” segments, “Dumb and Dumber To,” his producing of “Say It Isn’t So,” and more recently “Ricky Stanicky” and “Dear Santa.” While “Green Book” deserved its Oscars, his latest comedy should be castrated. And no, Rachel McAdam won’t cut a rat open this time.
Hauser has the lovable appeal that he tries to display in his character, but he’s been so good in so many better movies (“I, Tonya,” “Richard Jewel,” “Cruella,” “The Luckiest Man in America,” etc.), that it’s no favor to call attention to this movie. And aside from his seriousness (“Boogie Nights,” “Three Kings,” “The Perfect Storm,” “The Departed,” “The Fighter,” etc.), Wahlberg has also proven himself to be a comedic gamer with movies like “Ted,” “The Other Guys,” and “Date Night.” But lately, his comedy choices are in free fall. You’re thinking “20 years ago, we got one of the best gangster movies of all time. 20 years later, he’s reduced to this?” In what comedy universe is it funny when tiny fish drink urine and end up in Wahlberg’s penis or when he and Hauser have to swallow the coke-filled condoms?
This is the part where Wahlberg comes in my room with bags on his feet, gloves on his hands, and shoots me in the head and walks out. I think you know what movie I’m referencing here.
Streaming on Prime Video
