I haven’t watched the Michael Bay “Transformers” movies in years, but I can tell you a few things. The first movie from 2007 was fun, the second from 2009 is both forgettable and boring, the third from 2011 was a guilty pleasure (and that’s how I met Josh Duhamel and Patrick Dempsey), and the fourth from 2014 was just plain mediocre. Maybe I was a bit too soft on that. And some of you are probably thinking: “You Think?!!!!”
Now in 2017, we have “The Last Knight,” which is said to be the last film to star Mark Wahlberg (another I’ve met) and to be directed by Michael Bay. It’s an example of what your brain looks like when it is on drugs: like a fried egg. Meaning: Bay needs $100 million for every scene, even if the acting is bad and the narrative tires you out.
Remember in “The Fate of the Furious” last April, when Charlize Theron forced Vin Diesel to turn against his friends. Well, Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen) returns to Earth to raise Hell, because his Planet Cybertrone is dying, and only an ancient staff can save it. His maker is actually the real villain.
Before he comes back to Earth, the story is cantankerous. The Transformers are now illegal on Earth, except in Cuba. Wahlberg’s Cade Yeager is a fugitive, because he is protecting his AutoBot friends, like Bumblebee. He gains a new friend, a street girl named Izabella (Isabela Moner), who is a poor mini-Michelle Rodriguez. But she ends up being the least of my problems.
Also in the film are historian Sir Edmund Burton (Anthony Hopkins), who knows the legend of the Transformers, and Oxford professor Vivian Wembley (Laura Haddock), whom I think should be fired for her yammering. Hopkins does, at least, a marginally better job playing a wise guy than Russell Crowe did in “The Mummy.” But I couldn’t stand Haddock’s character and performance anymore. She’s worse than Moner, and if you ask me: she and Wahlberg hit it off terribly.
“Transformers: The Last Knight” runs for 2 hours and 30 minutes, which means robots, special effects, bad acting, looks, guns, at chases, and explosions, all I’ve seen in a Dolby theater. This is painfully bad, greatly noisy, and totally boring. For those of you who like the “Transformers” sequels, if you see this, you may either agree with me or call me a “robot pooper.” You decide, but to me, this is one of the worst movies of the year.