Mafia Mamma

I spit on this mafia comedy.

How could Toni Collette succumb to this amount of idiocy in the new crime comedy “Mafia Mamma?” How can she be so annoying, despite her previous excellent performances in such films like “Little Miss Sunshine” and “Hereditary?” Is it supposed to be hilarious when she drops her items in a car and misses some of Italy’s greatest monuments? Is it supposed to be funny when she a stabs one of her assassins with a high heeled shoe in his Johnson and then in his eye ball, which she pulls out? And why am I getting ahead of myself? Because this is a stupid movie that left me without any laughs.

Collette is Kristen, whose son (Tommy Rodger) is off to college, whose husband (Tim Daish) cheats on her, whose boss (Jay Natelle) is a sexist, and whose friend (Sophia Nomvete) tells her to replace the word “Love” in “Eat Pray Love” with the F bomb, so it would be “Eat Pray F.” She receives a phone call that her grandfather, whom she never met, has passed away and is required to go to Italy for not only the funeral, but also for a new proposition. This old timer-named Don Giuseppe Balbano (Alessandro Bressanello)-was the head of a wine company and the mafia. The Balbano mafia. And he wants her to take over the family business.

Of course, she has to be the cowardly modern house wife, who doesn’t want to be involved, freaks out when she kills her assassins, trades words with the consigliere Bianca (Monica Bellucci) and her angry cousin Fabrizio (Eduardo Scarpetta), and has a would-be romance with the mysterious Rudy (Giulio Corso).

I have two hilarious moments when I was in Italy back in 2012. I heard two people speaking Italian on a plane, and I told my grandfather (rest his soul): “This world needs subtitles,” and he laughed out loud. And I also dealt with a rude Australian who asked me where I thought he was from. At the time, I thought he was from England, and told me: “You’re wrong.” And I echoed “he was an asshole,” while being dragged away by my dad. These gags are funnier and more original than anything “Mafia Mamma” can conjure up.

Director Catherine Hardwicke has made some good movies in the past, but her material here is stupid, vulgar, lazy, and nasty. It’s rated R, so we have to see people being butchered up, and hear obligatory cursing. And there’s also zero amount of common sense. Kristen, for example, is too lazy to watch “The Godfather” movies, and only read the summary on Wikipedia, because she can’t find the time to sit through 2 and a half hours. She’s also stupid for not watching the movie half now half later.

Let me spoof “Scent of a Woman” for a moment, and imagine me talking to her.

“Common scene, of which you have none.”

This is supposed to be labeled a strong female crime comedy, but this is far from strong. Women can make funny movies, just as long as they’re given the right material and honesty they deserve.

Collette and Bellucci are both fine actresses, but this bomb is not something I would expect from them. The script is horrible, there’s no chemistry between anyone, and the supposedly running gag is that characters would spit on the ground. I spit all over this movie. And it’s the first zero-star rating I’ve given since “Home Sweet Home Alone.”

☠️ Poison for the Mind (0/4)

Categories: Action, comedy, Crime

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