My Spidey Senses are tingling: this movie sucks.
I want to say how proud I am of you loyal readers. I’m proud of you for not accusing me of being a jerk when I made my list of the Worst Films of 2023, and I’m proud of you for not accusing me of hating chick flicks when I couldn’t give a positive feedback to the new cover version of “Mean Girls.” I can’t tell if it’s in the moment or you are really starting to acknowledge that I can’t like every movie of every genre. I’ve praise particular films plenty of times before and will continue to do so, but I also have to my negative reviews. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I just wish fans of religion and politics could grasp that concept without resorting to violence or slurs.
“What does any of what I just said have to do with my review of Marvel’s latest Spider-Verse type movie “Madame Web,” you may ask. Well, let’s just say it’s something that Roger Ebert used to describe as part of “The Fingernails on a Blackboard Effect.” It all pertains to awful performances, pointless and confusing writing, bad special effects, shaky directing by S.J. Clarkson, and all the loud noises that come in. I’m just glad I didn’t watch this in Dolby or IMAX. And I’m also glad I chose to see “Bob Marley: One Love” first before “Madame Web.”
The time is 2003, and we meet New York paramedic Cassandra “Cassie” Webb (Dakota Johnson), whose mother died while trying to find a rare spider for medical research in the Amazon. After surviving a near fatal accident on the job, she starts to develop psychic powers. She doesn’t know why or how she does it, so she tries to look through her mother’s research, which involves ancient Spider-People.
The villain of the film is Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), a wealthy explorer who steals the spider from Cassie’s dead mother, and now possesses the spider’s powers. He can poison his victims, but his biggest concern is how he can see the future, in which three Spider-Women are going to kill him. That’s why he must find and kill them, and that’s why he wears a black Spider-Man suit. At least that’s what I like to say it is, because I have no idea who most of these people are.
These three future Spider-Women are the dorky Julia Cornwall (Sydney Sweeney), the mean-spirited environmentalist Mattie Franklin (Celeste O’Connor), and the independent Anya Corazon (Isabela Merced). Cassie knows this villain is coming to kill them, so she saves them just in time. Thanks to some stupid choices and my taste in movies, I have to be irritated by these girls and the performances placed in them. I was actually hoping Madea would slap them all in the face and talk some sense into them.
I only saw one trailer for “Madame Web,” and I wasn’t even interested. And it’s not because it’s a female led superhero movie (after all DC’s “Wonder Woman” had two fresh movies), but because I doubt it would be interesting or fun. Movies like “Spider-Man 2,” “Spider-Man: No Way Home,” “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse” or “Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse” have been able to take this franchise to unprecedented new heights. This movie is a real borefest.
Coming on the heels of “Fifty Shades of Grey” and its sequels (which I skipped), Johnson has proven that she can act well in films like “Cha Cha Real Smooth” or “The Peanut Butter Falcon,” but she can’t carry franchises. In fact, you hope this doesn’t start a franchise. And even worse, are the performances from the three girls she supposed to protect, and they’re all talented in other things.
In the tradition of “Batman & Robin,” “Catwoman,” “Elektra,” “Fantastic 4” (2015), “Venom,” or “Morbius,” “Madame Web” is one of the worst superhero movies of any generation.
☠️ Poison for the Mind (0/4)
