Hellboy (2019)

Bloody Hell, is this reboot violent and loud?

I was having a small discussion the other day with a friend of my uncle’s. He was saying that he barely goes to the movies anymore, because of how everything has to be “levitating.” I assured him that Indies do what they can to revive the classic Hollywood genre. I agree with him that certain Sci-Fi movies tend to be a bit much with their wall-to-wall effects, while others have a little something called “writing.”

The original “Hellboy” from 2004, based on the graphic novel, was directed by Guillermo Del Toro. That movie was visually stunning with its monster special effects, and sharp with Ron Perlman’s wisecracks and red body. That was one of the most ambitious Sci-Fi movies I’ve ever seen.

This new “Hellboy” reboot, however, is rated R, which means bodies and monsters have to be ripped apart, and everyone has to be mean-spirited. I said this with “The Happytime Murders,” and now, I’m saying this here: “Don’t be a dick.”

David Harbour, a fine actor no less, portrays Hellboy as a drunk and obnoxious jerk, who looks more like a spoof than Perlman. He picks fights with his adoptive father (Ian McShane), breaks his iPhone with his rock hand, and knows something about the upcoming apocalypse.

This prophecy involves a demon ruler known as the Blood Queen (Mila Jovovich), whose body was disassembled by King Arthur and his sword Excalibur. Now, she’s back and wants revenge on humanity. Her introduction, a black and white world with her red cloak, is a sad rip-off of the little girl with the red coat in “Schindler’s List.”

And Hellboy’s new team players are the somewhat witch Alice (Sasha Lane from “American Honey”) and the mercenary Major Ben Daimio (Daniel Dae Kim). Both of them he argues with, and none of them are funny or special. By comparison, Selma Blair as Liz Sherman and Doug Jones as Abe Sapien were more intriguing and emotional.

Midway through the movie, I already declared it an achingly awful movie. The monsters by Guillermo del Toro were dazzling, but here, they’re painted with bad effects. Perlman was perfect has Hellboy, while Harbour is wasted. John Hurt was memorable as his adoptive father with his accent and dialogue, but McShane is aggravating.

Everything else here is horrible-the jokes, the inspiration, the characters, and the writing. And about the R-rating, was this to cash in on the success of “Deadpool?” Was this because some people thought the PG-13 rating was too soft? And was this a way to update the franchise? I don’t know, I don’t know, and I don’t know. But what I do know is that this is garbage.

How the Bloody Hell did anyone think this movie would be watchable? Stop it with the screaming and shouting. My eardrums can’t take it any longer.

☠️ Poison for the Mind (0/4)

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