
I scream, you scream, we all scream at this melted slaughterhouse.
I like to think that Eli Roth’s latest gore fest “Ice Cream Man” is partly inspired by the kids in “Weapons.” Because these kids are under possession of something sinister. “Weapons” had that memorable bloody ending, while “Ice Cream Man” has kids jump roping with intestines, making blood angels, and scooping out brains. It’s disgusting, and the fact that these possessed children would murder their parents makes it even more unsettling.
Bayleen Bay. That’s the fictional coastal summer town (filmed in Ontario, Canada, instead of Martha’s Vineyard like “Jaws” was). And it’s a bright community, and it might be a completely happy one if there aren’t any bullies takings little kids’ ice creams and insulting others at baseball games. At least the adults try to do something about it. And after the game, the kids get some ice cream from this van where the guy (Ari Millen) wears a mustache, a white suit, and a red bow tie. He never says anything, but smiles. And the flavors include vanilla and chocolate, and ice pops with adorable names like “Billy Goat Bar,” “Croc Chomp,” “Creepy Crawly,” and “Serpent Swirl.” But don’t be fooled by these flavors or this ice cream man’s jolly appearance. Expect another horror movie to enter “Terrifier” territory. Maybe the Ice Cream Man will appear at a Comic Con event one day or maybe some people will dress up as film or maybe not. You decide.
Jerrod (Charlie Zeltzer) would try an ice cream, but his older sister Lizzie (Sarah Abbott) stops him because he’s lactose intolerant. And that’s a good thing, because these frozen treats turns the children into psychopathic murderers, who have colored marks on their mouths and slaughter the adults in many over the top ways. Each death more gruesome than the last. A little girl saws off her mother’s neck, kids squirt gun their dad with gasoline and burn him alive, and the kids pierce a dentist in his ear with his tools. I’m already imaging if evil kids were throwing knives instead of popcorn at the Chicken Jockey scene in “A Minecraft Movie.” Now, that would be a terrible thing to imagine.
At this point, Jerrod, Mia (Kiori Mirza Waldman) and Tommy (Shiloh O’Reilly) are the only ones not possessed, while the teenagers who eat the ice cream are either poisoned or paralyzed, unless they can make themselves vomit. Lizzie is the one who can use her toothbrush to save herself. And I think these youngsters are smarter than the adults with how they’re able to figure things out for most of the way through. They know how to escape from a school filled with murderous brats, while Lizzie has to deal with a jerky boyfriend Chris (Dylan Hawco), who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “prioritize.” When she needs to escape in his truck, he agrees to help her if she agrees to go on a date with him and for her “not to be a dick.” What a great boyfriend he is.
After the kids eat the frozen treats, they’re also hypnotized by a cartoon that looks like it was done by A.I. and sing the jingle: “Ring a Ding Ding, Ring a Ding Dong, Ring a Ding Dong, It’s the Ice Cream Song.” I’m glad those animated clips come and go, and the jingle doesn’t go on repeat throughout this movie, because none of them work. At least I’m thinking of the animated Mr. Ring-a-Ding character on “Doctor Who.”
“Ice Cream Man” is Roth’s first movie since the awful “Borderlands,” and while it’s not as stinky as that pile of butt release, he overdoes on the blood and gore, as if he’s trying to reflect on his “Hostel” days. If you ask me, he did a better job with the violence, fun, and characters in “Thanksgiving” a few years ago. That knew jokey sadism and how to use those elements, whereas this one stuffs ice cream into kids’ faces and the bloodbath continues. And the ice cream ends up melting all over the place. That’s how short this movie sells itself.
Categories: Horror


This review is spot on. I found myself not enjoying it as much as I thought I would.